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Newsflash: I’m Not Perfect!

I’m having one of those days. I feel bitter, I feel alone, I feel regretful, and I feel a host of other negatively named emotions. And why? Over something I did, which to me was nothing, but to someone else was perceived as negative. Even though I don’t think I was wrong and didn’t mean to do anything hurtful, this is my fault.

So where to go from here? I spilled my guts in an attempt to rectify the situation and to make both parties feel better. Did I succeed? Well, if I did, do you think I’d be typing this? No, I spilled, then sat here and waited for a response that wasn’t coming, all the while making myself more miserable.

It’s not worth it. And by that, I mean that nothing is worth me making myself feel like a pile of crap over. What I’m trying to fix is worth fighting for, but I can’t use its value to justify making myself miserable. I should feel remorse and sorrow, but I shouldn’t feel like my soul is crumbling. Yes, I’m being overly dramatic, but the description fits.

I have no idea what to do right now. Do I try and say something and risk making the situation worse and making myself feel worse? Do I shut my mouth in the hopes that it magically heals itself in my silence? What do I do???

I’m intelligent enough to know what I want and what I have to do in order to obtain it and hold onto it. But I’m also human; I’m emotional, I’m flawed, and I’m not always strong enough to keep outside influences from affecting the things going on inside. I guess right now I’m just tired of feeling like something you put out with the trash. I want to feel better. More important, I want to BE better.

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About Jamie C. Baker

“Long time no see. I only pray the caliber of your questions has improved.” - Kevin Smith

Posted on March 16, 2011, in Family, Fear. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

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