This Is NOT Your Living Room
This weekend, my husband and I took full advantage of being child-free and got caught up on movies. Friday night we went to see Priest at the theater near our house, Saturday we spent the day in Castleton, doing a bit of shopping in between watching Bridesmaids and Fast Five. We had originally planned to see Scream 4, but apparently somewhere along the line, someone decided that movies should be out in theaters for the shortest time span possible, so we’re forced to wait for Scream to hit DVD.
Priest was enjoyable mainly because I don’t think Paul Bettany is capable of doing something I don’t like. I can see why it didn’t do so well, but my husband and I had a great time watching it. Bridesmaids was hilarious (Kristin Wiig may be my new favorite female actress/comedian) and Fast Five was awesome (The Rock vs. Vin Diesel.. need I say more?) but as far as the people we were in the theater with for those two, you would have thought we had gone to see Rio; those crowds were as fidgety and restless as a kindergarten class who skipped nap time. Even during a bad movie I’d have to be near death to leave my seat while the film is playing, yet for both of these movies, people were going out and coming in CONSTANTLY! This wouldn’t have been so bad if not for the chicks with horribly loud flip flops on, but regardless it is always an unwelcome distraction when people can’t sit still.
I’m on twitter and I like to post random garbage on there that no one cares about, so I understand that people want to get on Facebook or twitter or wherever and talk about the movie or being out with friends or how the popcorn made them gassy. But come on, people, can’t it wait until the credits are rolling? About ten minutes into Fast Five, the chubby girl in front of me whips out her phone and gets on Facebook mobile. I assume she was posting about how unnoticeable her double chins were in the dim theater lighting. The entire right side of the theater was lit throughout the movie; at least half a dozen idiots had their phones out and were posting or playing or just being obnoxious jerkoffs.
I’ve said it before, but it needs to be said again: Popcorn is a bite sized food. Since it fits nicely into your mouth, there is no reason whatsoever I should have to hear you chomping on it so loud that it overtakes the movie soundtrack. It seems simple to me to eat properly, especially in public. Pick up popcorn, open mouth, insert popcorn, CLOSE MOUTH, chew, swallow, repeat process. Why people always forget to shut their lips is beyond me. Just know everyone can hear you and everyone thinks you’re a disgusting pig.
Somewhere along the line, people stopped respecting the personal space of others. In a crowded theater, I expect that I’ll probably have a stranger next to me and/or not be able to set my jacket and bag in the chair beside me. I expect to have people immediately in front or behind me. In a fairly empty theater, there really isn’t any reason for you to sit on top of me or get in my space. My husband and I were settled in when a group of four came in and entered our row on my side. Eventually, one of the ladies makes it down to a seat 1 away from mine. She asks me “Is anyone sitting here?” gesturing to the seat next to mine that was holding my hoodie and bag. I responded “um… no.” She then pulls her jacket off her lap and places it on top of my stuff while asking me “Oh, mind if I share?” YES I do mind, lady! There are 4 totally empty rows in front of us and half a dozen totally empty rows behind us. There are plenty of seats to the left of your party. Why, in such an empty theater, would I want you to put your junk on top of my belongings? For all I know, you’re a crazy hoarder and your jacket is covered in fleas and mold. Second, like I tell my son all the time, you don’t ask permission for something that you’re ALREADY DOING! Throwing your shit on top of my stuff WHILE asking me if you can do it is pointless. You might as well just have brushed my things onto the floor. When the theater is crowded (or on it’s way to getting there) I always put my stuff on my lap and IF there happens to be an empty chair next to me when the lights go down, I put my stuff there. If the theater is pretty empty, then yes, I claim that seat next to me and I expect you to stay the hell away from me and from my stuff.
At the beginning of every movie, the theater shows little clips that tell the audience in the nicest way possible to turn their cell phones off, keep your feet off the seats, and please don’t talk. It’s sad that they have to do this. It’s even worse that people still don’t understand that you need to be quiet during a movie. If you absolutely have to talk, whisper whatever super important bit of information it is in the person’s ear so you don’t disturb anyone else. Preferably though, you will wait until after the movie. Do you think anyone paid $8 for a ticket to come hear your thoughts on what the main character is REALLY thinking about? Does your friend (and the unfortunate people around you) honestly need to know that you think the guy 2 rows ahead of you is super dreamy hot?
No. No one needs to know. No one cares. During Fast Five, Chubs McGee, her sidekick Napoleon Dynamite, and her “I act like a lesbian because it makes boys like me” friend didn’t keep the annoying behavior to simply switching seats, updating Facebook, and pretending to make out while wearing sunglasses. They talked the entire movie. It wasn’t just them either; there was a group to my right and a group a few rows up that got our theater confused with Mystery Science Theater 3000 and figured that the entire audience was there to hear their thoughts on Paul Walker’s acting (epic as always, his talent unsurpassed by anyone) and how OMG their car can TOTALLY do that! I don’t get why these dimwits are even wasting their money to come see a movie that they aren’t even watching. I don’t know when people forgot how to behave in public and stopped giving a damn about anyone else in the world. The theater’s security popped in eventually (10 minutes left in the movie… thanks for the awesome response time, guys) and told one group to quiet down or be ejected. Bottom line, if you can’t keep your trap shut for a couple hours, wait 3 months and Netflix the damn movie and talk all you want in the comfort of your living room. If you’re in the theater, shut the hell up. I’m seriously in danger of turning into this guy if something doesn’t change: