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How Do I Become A Girl?

From the moment I was crawling, I was hanging out with the boys.  Playing in the mud, favoring He-Man and G.I. Joe over Barbie, being proud of scrapes and bruises and not giving a damn what my hair looked like.  My mother never showed me how to style my hair or put on make-up; she did my hair for me until I was 12 (I have naturally curly hair that is a perfect wreck) and when I got tired of it and requested to do it myself, she just let me be.  I’ve always hated dresses and skirts; sure it looks good, but it’s uncomfortable and inconvenient and I don’t like it.  I hate pink.  I’ve never gotten a mani-pedi and never wanted to do so.  I couldn’t care less about diamonds or fancy jewelry, I just need something that is durable and doesn’t get in my way.  Oh yeah, and I can’t cook either.

My husband and I didn’t get married in the traditional way.  We went to a church and were married in the minister’s office as my son played with toy airplanes on the floor beside us.  I had previously looked into what I’d need to put together a wedding and it just seems like such a hassle.  All these flowers and arrangements and stress, trying to find a perfect dress and a perfect venue, who to invite and who to exclude, it gave me a migraine.  I’ve had thoughts about me in a wedding dress about 3 times during my entire life, and that was after I married Jamie; I’ve been thinking about renewing our vows eventually and having some sort of small ceremony.  But even with that, I don’t want a big production like most women seem to want.  For all I care, my husband and I could have gotten married in a bowling alley.  Which now that I think about it…..

I’ve been to one baby shower other than my own and it was weird.  Both were weird.  I don’t want to put a dress on and eat tiny sandwiches and play silly games and squeal in a high voice about the cutesy gifts.  I’ve never been to a bridal shower and I’m embarrassed to say that I wasn’t even aware of this type of event until I got an invitation from my husband’s cousin Amber (or rather from her maid of honor) inviting me to one on June 18th.  When I got the invite, I thought it was sweet but had zero intention of going.  The shower is being held at the Spaghetti Warehouse, so I imagine the girly squeals will have to be kept to a dull roar, but even so it held no appeal to me.

Yesterday, my mother-in-law invited me to ride up there with her, I declined saying I wasn’t going to attend, and my wonderful husband later talked me into going.  I imagine he’s excited by the thought of having me out of the house for an entire day and having uninterrupted Xbox time.  Today, mom-in-law told me she’s VERY excited that I’ll be going.  Me?  Not excited at all, not in the least bit.  I’m 30 years old and I know nothing about bridal showers.  I was nervous enough about finding something to wear to the wedding; the last one I’ve been to other than mine was when I was 8 years old.  So now I’m stressed.  It’s probably a very good thing I didn’t try to plan a wedding for myself.  My head would have exploded.

I have been on Google all morning looking up what I should wear to the shower, what to bring, what to expect, what kind of weird wedding games they are going to subject me to.  Is Amber going to be wearing a veil, because that seems weird to me.  Are the bridesmaids going to dress alike?  The only thing I know about these things are what I’ve seen in movies, and I always thought that it was an extension of the bachelorette party; give some gifts and have a meal, then grab the penis shaped candies and go find male strippers, or whatever it is chicks do.  I feel like I should be fully aware of these kind of things, but I’m totally clueless.  So here I sit, Googling whatever I can think of to try and find out what the hell I am getting myself into.

I’m sure it’ll just be a nice meal and a nice gift exchange, some laughs and conversation, and then I can come back to my husband and have a shot of jager.  I just feel like a total dunce for not knowing jack about bridal showers or anything else wedding related.  Guys have it so easy… they can skip all this crap and just sift through the gifts afterward.  So I’ll go and I’ll have a good time, I just wish I had someone in my life that had told me about these things and taught me how to be a girl.

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About Jamie C. Baker

“Long time no see. I only pray the caliber of your questions has improved.” - Kevin Smith

Posted on June 7, 2011, in Family, Fear, Food, Friends and/or Enemies, Fun!, Party! and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Love your website, is this the default theme or a custom one?

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