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Without Reason

“Everything happens for a reason.”

I used to believe that.  I thought that the good things that came to me were due to my favorable actions, and bad things were tests, trials, or learning experiences.  I believed that God had a plan for me and every bad thing He threw at me was part of this big plan to shape my life and turn me into something wonderful.  I dismissed my mother’s hatred towards me as being tough love; even though she treated my little brother like gold and me like dirt, I assumed there was some grand reasoning behind it and the universe knew what it was doing.  When I had to leave my friends to move to Connecticut and left them again to move to Georgia, I figured that God was moving me in order to bring me to something better.

I started to see the false notes in that statement soon after I got engaged for the first time, which was also the first time I got my ass kicked by the person who said they would love me forever.  Surely there couldn’t be a reason for that.  Nor could there be a reason that I would get pregnant at the worst possible time, have to live in a small room to rent, then in a trailer with potheads, then on the living room floor of a friend twice my age.  There definitely wasn’t a reason for me to get a black eye and have to quit my job, or be thrown in jail after receiving a beating at the hands of my son’s bio-father or for my son being abandoned by that same man.  I could try to justify it by saying it was the reason I eventually met my husband and found love and a great dad for my son, but that sounds like I’m making excuses for the bullshit I went through and those who caused it.

“Everything happens for a reason” is what you say when life gives you a pound of bullshit and you want to believe that it’s not for nothing, that something good is bound to happen sooner or later to make up for the hardships you have now.  No one can honestly tell me that God ignored my prayers and allowed me to be an outcast in school, to deal with multiple traumas as a teen, and to become an abused single mom with a deadbeat baby daddy and a mountain of debt given to me by aforementioned baby daddy after dropping my classes to pursue a career that was a dead end from the start.  It was definitely a learning experience, but there is no divine reasoning behind it.  Shit happens, it happened to me, and that is that.  Trying to find reason causes me to dwell on it, and dwelling on it prevents me from moving on to bigger and better things in life.

I’m struggling now to learn to live in the present and work towards the future.  I’m not a kid anymore and the days of living in a fantasy world have to end; I determine my path and not some prewritten destiny or a chain of events to come.  I’m not cynical or depressed or angry in any sense, it’s more about being realistic and wanting to be proactive.  If I sit back and believe that things will happen because they happen for a specific reason or because God wills it so, I’ll never get anything accomplished.  Things are easier to deal with if you attempt to find reason behind it and while I might prefer easy, I tend to be a difficult person.  From now on I believe I will find all the reason I need in busting my ass down the difficult path in life and see where it takes me.  Maybe I’ll see you there.

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About Jamie C. Baker

“Long time no see. I only pray the caliber of your questions has improved.” - Kevin Smith

Posted on July 8, 2011, in Fear, Life and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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