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Love, You Are A Tricky Beast

Over the weekend, my husband and I went down to White River State Park for the Avett Brothers concert, the last concert of the season at that venue.  We began our night at Champions Bar and Grill, a very nice and slightly pricey sports bar that’s just a short walk from the venue.  The food was excellent; we enjoyed an onion ring tower appetizer, fish tacos for the husband and a BBQ chicken wrap for me, accompanied by a nice variety of adult beverages.  One drink called The Closer is definitely worth a look; it’s a blend of Jagermeister and what I believe was Kahlua blended with ice and served in a martini glass rimmed with cinnamon.  Not what I expected from a drink with jager, but it was yummy.  My husband compared it to chocolate milk, I thought it tasted more like a cookie.  After finishing off our last Long Island, we headed down to White River.

The Avett Brothers donated a signed guitar in order to drum up donations for a local food bank; one canned good earned you one entry, so I went armed with creamed corn in the hopes of winning the guitar.  Sadly, random drawings don’t take into account what a huge fan my husband is and we didn’t win.  It didn’t bring us down though, the night was gorgeous and we bundled up enough to combat the 30 degree weather.  I don’t believe the Avett Brothers CDs do their sound justice; they are one of the rare bands who put their recorded sound to shame with their live performances.  It was a fabulous concert and a wonderful night that wore us out beyond belief and ended with the husband and I surrendering to slumber on our insanely comfortable couch.

My husband and I held onto each other for most of the show, partially to stay warm and partially because we were just happy to be together.  We’re not one of those disgustingly affectionate couples, the kind that are always kissing and touching and talking baby-talk, but we’re definitely very much in love.  Having his arms around me, being able to turn around and see him smiling at me as the music played, I was definitely in my happy place.  We’ve come a long way, from an online friendship for months to 48 little hours together in a hotel in Georgia, to planning my relocation to Indiana in a couple of months, to our marriage shortly afterward, to where we are now.  It wasn’t a smooth ride; as much as we loved each other, the adjustment period was rocky and it took us a good chunk of time to get where we are now.  Like any couple, we bump heads now and then and will probably do so until we’re both in walkers and taking our dentures out at night.  The difference is, we’re equipped to handle it and we don’t let differences define us or our relationship.

True love can only exist when there’s honesty, and I’m not just talking about being truthful to each other.  There also needs to be an internal honesty.  You have to let go of the need or the want to change the person you are in order to accommodate your significant other.  Yes, there needs to be compromise; I’ve had to stop leaving my books on the coffee table because it drives my husband batty and I’ve asked him to quit leaving his socks everywhere because it makes me crazy for some reason.  Things like that don’t change who we are and are necessary in order to keep a happy home.  The thing that isn’t okay is to expect the other person to change something about themselves that is a vital part of who they are, or to do it yourself because you think it’ll make your loved one happy.

I’m ruled by emotions and my husband is very logical and level-headed.  I could hold my emotions in to accommodate him and he could fake sadness or nerves to pacify me, but we’d only succeed in cheating ourselves in the end.  I love that man and everything about him and that includes loving the fact that he doesn’t seem affected by things that make me cry and that he’s able to let things go with ease, something I struggle to do.  I can’t change him and it would be unfair of me to ask.  Likewise, I can’t pretend that I’m not a constant worrier; it’s who I am and while I can keep it in check, I shouldn’t be expected to alter my personality just because it bugs my husband when I panic over nothing.  In earlier relationships, I both tried changing the person I am and the person I was with in order to keep the relationship going.  Each time it ended in disaster when one or both of us tired of putting up a front and our true colors began to emerge.  Love can’t be based on lies, but that is exactly what people do when they attempt to change who they are in order to make a relationship work.

It’s a rough ride sometimes when you find someone you care for and discover that they don’t care for parts of your personality.  The temptation to bury that part of yourself in order to make things work is strong and generally happens with everyone during that honeymoon stage.  Months down the road when that wall you’ve hidden part of yourself behind crumbles, your loved one begins to see your true colors and starts to wonder if they truly knew you in the first place.  It causes most relationships to fail and people to say “you’re not the person I fell in love with.”  It’s not worth it; why waste time hiding parts of yourself to keep a few months peaceful when it’s almost a guarantee that things will dissolve once you tire of hiding it?

Nothing worth having comes easy and my husband and I fought hard to make things work in the beginning months.  We went into our marriage with the notion that this would be easy; we loved each other so damn much and were a bit blindsided at all the hurdles placed in front of us when we were finally together, something we weren’t really expecting.  We had laid out all our quirks and oddities on the table prior to moving in together, but it was still a major adjustment.  It worked because we truly love each other AND because we didn’t try to mask who we were in order to keep the peace.  We’re both a bit crazy and if we had held that back until months into our marriage, I have no doubt that it would have crumbled.

Kids are taught to be themselves early on, but for some reason we forget this lesson when entering adulthood.  We develop these multiple personalities of sorts; we’re ourselves in private and around a select few friends or family members, a different person at work, someone else around casual friends, and a whole other person when dating.  In some instances, it’s very appropriate to adjust the way you present yourself, but it’s never the way to go when you’re dating and thinking of getting serious.  If someone will only love you if you stop certain behaviors and adjust your actions, it’s a clear sign that their love for you won’t withstand the long haul.  True love isn’t blind, but you should act as though it is and be an open book, letting your love see your amazing qualities as well as your less than savory ones.  Be honest with yourself and have enough self-respect to recognize when this happens and then be strong enough to either open yourself up completely or to walk away.  I don’t have the perfect marriage by any means (if such a thing exists) but I love my husband for the good and the bad, the strengths he has and the craziness he possesses, and for the simple fact that I can fully and completely be myself around him without fear of him loving me any less due to my faults.  It took me a long time to realize that true love can only come to those who are open and honest internally as well as externally, but it was definitely worth the wait.  I love you, baby!

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About Jamie C. Baker

“Long time no see. I only pray the caliber of your questions has improved.” - Kevin Smith

Posted on October 3, 2011, in Family, Friends and/or Enemies, Fun!, Life, Love, Party! and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 25 Comments.

  1. Jamie C. Baker

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