The Halloween Commandments

….And some guy in a Jesus costume spoke all these words saying:

“I am dressed like the Lord your God, who brought you out into the streets, out of the house of your parents.”

1.  You shall have no other holiday before Halloween. 

2.  You shall make for yourself any carved image, any likeness of heaven above or the earth beneath, or that is in the water of the earth, into the pumpkin of your choosing.


3.    You shall not take the name of All Hallows’ Eve in vain, for people who take Halloween very seriously will not hold him guiltless who takes Hallows’ Eve in vain.

4.  Remember the 31st of October, to keep your schedule free.  Six days you shall do labor and all your work, but the seventh day is for Trick or Treating.  You shall do no work, nor shall your family, nor your friends.

5.  Honor thy father and thy mother, that they allow your night to be long upon the land and allow you to collect as much candy as humanly possible.

6.  You shall not murder any person nor pumpkin nor neighbor who hates children and hands out pennies or apples.

7.  You shall not commit adultery.  You shall always check to see what is under the mask before fornicating.

8.  You shall not steal candy from the weaker children.  You shall however be permitted to steal candy from bullies.

9.  You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor unless they leave their porch light on and have no candy.

10.  You shall not covet your neighbor’s house, wife, nor his manservent or maidservent, nor his full size candy bars, nor his amazing porch decorations.  You shall be permitted to help yourself to the entire bowl of candy, even though the sign reads “We are watching, Take Only One!”


About Jamie C. Baker

“Long time no see. I only pray the caliber of your questions has improved.” - Kevin Smith

Posted on October 26, 2011, in Food, Fun!, Party! and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. This is silly. I am totally egging your house on Halloween!

    Wait…I live there…damnit.

Have an opinion or a comment? Weigh in!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: