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Rage Outlet Required

Every once in a while, I get to the point at work where I simply have had enough and get dangerously close to snapping and saying something that will likely cost me my job.  I work with a woman, and I use that term loosely because she acts more like a farm animal than a human, who drives me absolutely up the wall.  I’ve worked with annoying people before, including ones who have tried to get me fired, who don’t shower, who spit food while eating, and who act and look like they belong on Jerry Springer or the People Of Walmart website.  This woman tops them all and then some.

An article on Glassdoor suggest that I keep conversations short in order to keep her quiet.  I’ve done this and succeeded in offending her because she loves to gossip and know all the juicy details about people’s lives.  It also suggests I kill her with kindness, but unfortunately her jabs at me are done behind my back and I’m unable to “respond to every jab with saccharin sweetness” as they suggest.  Finally, they say to be direct and address the annoying activity in the best way possible.  I don’t see this working; months back someone had made a sign saying that gum popping and nail clipping were horrible office behaviors and left the sign on the printer.  When this woman saw it, she stated that this person was jealous of her gum cracking abilities and mocked them for weeks, cracking her gum with more frequency than before.

The site HowToDoThings features an article which asks if other people experience similar problems as I with my annoying coworker.  This is a definite YES, as I’ve heard stories from others and know it’s not a problem that solely rests with me.  They suggest communicating with the difficult person, which honestly I have not done because she’s set in her ways and has tried to get me in trouble multiple times; I fear that any word from me, no matter how polite, would result in a shitstorm.  They throw in treating others the way you’d like to be treated, something I do with all my coworkers.  Unfortunately, that isn’t always reciprocated.  Keeping it professional, another suggestion, is something I do as well with her that doesn’t accomplish squat.  They end on suggesting that the issue be brought to the boss.  Something she did about me that amounted to him being annoyed for being bothered with something so trivial.

I’ve found relief today from her nonsense by searching for sites giving suggestions on how to get revenge on a coworker.  No, I’m not about to start taking ideas off the site and putting them into action, but they are humorous to go through and it makes me feel better to imagine pulling some of these off.  Thinkgeek has this Annoy-a-Tron that I have considered buying at least 30 times since beginning my job here.  You hide this little device and it makes three annoying noises for a month straight.  Also, at the time of this posting, they are buy one get one free.  She isn’t too bright so I imagine one of these would screw with her tiny brain immensely!  I’ve also toyed with the idea of switching keys around on her keyboard, taping over the laser on her mouse, or doing that prank to make a screenshot of their icons into their wallpaper and have them clicking around into nothingness trying to get their system to work.

There are also the hateful revenge pranks, most include a disclaimer about it possibly getting you fired or arrested.  Putting a coworker’s number on Craigslist under an “Anything Goes” ad or something equally as awful would definitely be hilarious; I’d love to hear her taking calls all day from Craigslist weirdos.  There is the option of subscribing to free magazines or requesting free samples of the questionable nature; crossdressing, male enhancement, or adult diapers.  Surprisingly, there are a lot of sites advising people to break into the email of their annoying coworker and send out emails that will result in them getting fired.  I’ll admit, I would die laughing if I saw her confronted over an email she allegedly sent to the entire office with naked photos of her favorite celebrities contained inside.

The thing is, for me to seek revenge in any way for her behavior would be for me to become a mini version of her.  I don’t enjoy hearing her make up nonsense about my life and try to come up with some juicy gossip to attach my name to, I don’t like coming to work and hearing her pop gum all day, and I am probably more excited about her retirement than she is.  Not a day goes by when I don’t want to throw my stapler at her face.  But I don’t, and I don’t do so for the same reasons I don’t screw with her computer while she’s away at lunch or sign her email up to random porn sites.  She may not know how to properly behave in public, but I do and the best revenge I can get on this fat cow is to act respectably and block her out as best as I can.

Outside of work?  Well, that’s a whole other story….

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About Jamie C. Baker

“Long time no see. I only pray the caliber of your questions has improved.” - Kevin Smith

Posted on March 21, 2012, in Work and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Aww, it didn’t post my picture. BOO! It was an image of the Incredible Hulk saying “HULK SMASH!” Bollocks to you, WordPress comment section.

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