I’ve had four serious relationships in my life. The first was in high school during my junior year with a guy I was head over heels for in a strange way. I met him during that phase in most teenage girl’s lives where they adore the bad boy image. We stayed connected until I went to college and met a guy that I can probably say was my first true love. It wasn’t a healthy love though and eventually dissipated as I worked to find myself and grow as a person. During that time, I reached out to my middle school boyfriend, reconnecting with him and eventually getting engaged. I thought this was it; he was my world and we would get married. Thankfully, his true colors shone through and I had the sense to pack up and leave while he slept off a hangover. And yes, I gave him back the quarter carat engagement ring. Which he then gave to his next girlfriend a month later.
After I left him, I shied away from getting serious with anyone. There was a guy who played guitar in a band that I had a serious connection with, but we didn’t ever cross the line into relationship territory, not really. I wasn’t ready and he wasn’t what I needed. I eventually started talking to this amazing guy online. Since he lived a thousand miles away, it seemed safe for me, as it’s near impossible for me to get serious with someone I can’t even see. As the months passed, I began feeling this incredibly longing to meet this guy, who unfortunately had a girlfriend at the time. When he posted a blog about breaking up with her, I did backflips. He finally came to visit me, giving me an amazing weekend. A couple of months later, he came back to help me pack and drive me to Indiana. Two months later, we were married.
I got a lot of shit from most of my friends after announcing I was dropping everything to marry a guy I met online and had only spent 48 hours with, but I knew it was right. I felt something with him that I had never felt before in my life. I knew I was truly in love and I knew that everyone who had come prior was not a real love. Yes, I cared for them, but it was either love tainted in some way or superficial love that didn’t have the required depth to last over the long haul. But I didn’t know this until I found real love. I had no idea how wrong I was about the past until my husband captured my heart and showed me the true meaning of love.
I wish I had some way of explaining what love truly is, especially when I see certain people in my life falling into unhealthy relationships where their other has shady motives, an untrue heart, or is just wrong. I wish I had the balls to say something and possibly push them to do something now rather than fall down heartbroken later. Then I think back to people who told me that my exes were wrong for me and I think of how I ignored it all, so I keep my mouth shut. False feelings of love have a way of shutting out all common sense, blinding a person and making them see only the positive side of the person they are with. Maybe they’ll happen upon this blog and maybe it’ll make them think, but chances are that their relationship will have to play itself out on its own.
There is a comfort in true love that I never knew with anyone else. Comfort not only in not being ashamed of my bedhead and disheveled morning appearance because my husband will try to hump me regardless, but comfort in knowing I have a person in my life that loves me inside and out. I feel that I’m near perfect in his eyes, not because he boasts of how gorgeous I am on Twitter, but because of the way he looks at me, touches me, and the various ways he tries to be close to me. We can disagree and get angry at each other, but it is absent of the fear that a fight will kill the relationship; I feel safe in knowing that any upset is temporary and I have no fears of him walking out the door.
Our former friends, D. and A., are the kind of couple I almost envied at one point. A. would talk about their amazing sex life and they were always touching and cuddling. When D. would come visit us alone, he would constantly be distracted by phone calls and text messages from A. It took me a while to see that what they had was not to be envied because they were simply putting on a show. Love doesn’t need to be boasted about, shown off to friends, and made into a spectacle. Love isn’t bragging about how many times you bone and making sure everyone around is aware that you’re getting laid and dropping the L word to each other. Love is a deep and personal thing that, when real, simply exists and shines on its own.
Being in love with my husband is also being in love with my best friend. Through a lot of work and a lot of personal growth, we’ve strengthened our relationship and our marriage, becoming a whole rather than two people just living in a moment. We are two imperfect people who developed a perfect love. As our 5th year wedding anniversary draws closer, I find myself wondering what the hell I ever did without him. He makes me a better person simply by being near me. He makes me smile when nothing else can. He makes me feel safe and secure; no matter how bad things can get, he’s always there to be strong when I can’t manage to be strong myself. The world could crumble around us, but as long as I have him, I know I’ll be just fine.