Single men and women are complete fucking idiots. Some of them anyway. Perfectly datable, good-looking people without crazy skeletons locked in the closet or demons in their shadows are unable to find a date because of the simple fact that they behave like morons. I would love to get a hold of them and beat some sense into their thick skulls so they can quit embarrassing themselves and being miserable and finally find love and shut the hell up about the woes of single life!
The biggest mistake I see people make when they are single and looking is holding on to bitter feelings from past relationships and experiences. It seems like a no-brainer to let these things go in order to move on and find happiness, yet some people seem unable to do so. It becomes a problem thanks to one of my favorite things in the digital world: Twitter. Facebook as well, but I stay away from that evil place. It has become way too easy to vent about things that are sent out to dozens or hundreds of people and that are out there for any potential date to see and be frightened away by.
Offense #1 is the constant bitching. I bitch on Twitter (surprise to no one) but I don’t bitch about the people I’m trying to get to like me. As a single person, if you engage in too much bashing of the gender you want to get naked with in the near future, you’re going to have a lot of lonely nights alone with your hand or mechanical toy. What guy wants to date a person who is always saying things like “Men are so immature,” or “Why are all the GOOD guys taken and I’m left with nothing but losers?” It’s a turn off and an insult and is making you undateable. If you constantly call women sluts, do you think your chances are good of scoring a date with one? Unless you truly adore sluts, in which case you might have a chance.
Offense #2 is the mixed messages. On Monday, you’re bragging about how awesome your boobs look in your low-cut shirt. On Tuesday, you’re bitching about guys being interested in nothing but your chest. One moment, you’re enjoying random flirtation and the next you’re saying it makes you feel cheap and you don’t appreciate childish come-ons. You need to make up your mind! Bragging about your giant package is fine if you’re okay with the feedback that kind of admission is going to get. You can’t engage in public penis talk and then get mad when the attention is more on your magic stick than on your personality.
Offense #3 is the oversharing. If you’re not currently serious and you feel like boning random people until you find someone special, go for it. But if you put it on the internet, you’re going to sound like a whore, regardless of what gender you are. Most people don’t want a relationship with a whore. They probably want you to act like one with them behind closed doors, but they also want to know that 100+ people haven’t been playing with your fun bits before they got a run at them. Likewise, they don’t want to hear about your past relationships and conquests in great detail. I’m happy that your ex had the most amazing breasts you’ve ever seen, but do you need to still be talking about them years later?
Offense #4 is trying too hard. Desperation isn’t a good look on anyone. You can be sexy without the thousands of instagrammed pictures of you showing cleavage and wearing miniskirts. You don’t need to talk about how hot your ass looks in those new jeans. You can seem appealing without insisting you’re not the typical guy/girl and people always love you instantly. If I’m being told over and over again that a person is sexy, I’m going to find that person less sexy each time I hear it. Trying too hard to present yourself in a certain light or be someone you’re really not is always going to backfire.
And finally, offense #5 is being nothing but a flirt. Flirting is awesome, don’t get me wrong, but at some point you have to make a move past that and actually make an effort to get someone to agree to go to dinner with you. Too much flirting is also a turn off; if I (pretending I’m single) look at your Twitter feed and see you telling dozens of chicks how cool and pretty there are with winky faces everywhere, I stop feeling special. I feel like I’m just one of many you’re throwing out lines to, and now that I know I’m not truly on your radar, I’m not going to bite. Give flirting a purpose.
This blog link gets thrown out on Twitter, so maybe one of the offending parties will happen upon it and adjust their behavior. Probably not. Either way, I hope for their sake they are able to figure out that it’s their bad behavior that is keeping them single, not the rest of the world. It’s easier to change yourself than it is to change the entire dating pool. Take the easy road.