Goodbye My Friend
“Why are you at home/Buried in your self pity?/Why do you insist on/Living the life clean out of me?/Yes, I know you’re the person/The person that took time with me/Does it give you the right to expect/Your life revolves around me?” – Jonathan Davis of Korn
Over the weekend, I lost a friend that I’ve known since I was 11 years old. I moved away from where he lived when I was 16 due to my father’s job transfer, but we never lost touch. Now, he lives one state over from me and I’m here in Indiana. One would think that we would see each other often, but it hasn’t worked out that way. Due to my schedule filled with kid stuff, husband stuff, work stuff, financial stuff, and now less than cheery family stuff, I haven’t had much free time. We didn’t have plans this past weekend; I had a day’s notice that he would be in town and because I couldn’t work it out and was mentally exhausted from processing the fact that my father has cancer, I am the bad guy.
Before I had a son and was married, I was the type of person who didn’t care if anyone simply dropped by my place to say help or hang out. I had a neighbor that would come knocking on my patio door multiple times a day to share a beer or cigarette and just hang out, sometimes inviting us across the way for some barbeque. That relaxed attitude was left in the past as I was forced to become more responsible and be a good mother and wife for my family. I can’t stay out too late or decide to spend the night somewhere on a whim because we have a dog at home. I can’t hit the bar anytime I want because there are points during the month where the money must be put towards bills. I had to grow up.
He is angry with me and I’m not trying to change that. What irks me is that rather than confront me like someone our age should do, I just got an unfollow on Twitter followed by a vague tweet saying I was left in the past. This was followed by his boyfriend telling me this, word for word:
“You need to grow up little girl. He wasn’t upset because you couldn’t see him, he was upset that you didn’t have the decency to let him know. And looking at your other Tweets I can see that you really are an immature person who is unworthy of his friendship. Selfish people like you tend to end up alone and lonely, so good luck. If this is how you treat your friends, good luck. It’s going to be a long lonely road for you. He stopped following you because of YOUR actions, now what’s happening in your family. Stop trying to take the high horse because you are not deserving. One final response before forgetting that you exist. This weekend would have been on us, just wanted to see you.”
This is coming from a guy who hasn’t spoken/tweeted/emailed this many words to me since he began dating my former friend, yet somehow he knows me. He also included one of my girl friends on his little rant, putting someone who shouldn’t be a part of this at all into the mix. I don’t get how he thinks he has the right to speak to me this way, and I told him so in a short response before blocking him on Twitter and saving myself from more of this drivel.
I am not a selfish person. I listened to my friend when he needed to vent, when he was doubting certain things, and when he needed an outlet. But to say that I am immature and need to grow up because I missed a single text message on Saturday? Because I don’t have my phone glued to my hand 24/7? Please. If we had made plans and I bailed, then definitely be angry with me. If you offered to take my husband and I out on your dime and I flaked on it, be mad. But none of those things happened. Minimal effort was made on their part and on mine, and blame goes both ways.
As far as looking at my other tweets and judging my level of maturity, I see that as a load of garbage. Twitter, among other things, is a place to vent frustrations. At no point did I put his Twitter handle into the mix and act like a bitch. The female friend I mentioned earlier asked a question and I stated that _____ and I are no longer friends, which was the extent of my name dropping. I didn’t begin talking shit about him to her, nor did I bring his name into it at any other point. I’m pissed and I expressed it, as is my right. What I did was no different from his statement about leaving things in the past, so his boyfriend needs to shut up for a minute and realize how much he is speaking out of his ass.
As far as being alone and lonely due to my selfish attitude, that is another accusation without merit. No, I don’t have dozens upon dozens of friends, but it’s by choice, not because I’m an insufferable cunt who can’t keep a friend. I choose quality over quantity, and the people I associate with are damn good people. My husband and I cut out friends a couple of years ago because they refused to grow up. It unfortunately meant he lost a friend he grew up with, as well as some he met at work, but we’re better off for it; cutting out negativity is good for the soul. We’ve also made new and fantastic friends during that time, ones who are respectful, who share similar values, and who have a direction in life. For a lonely person, I have some amazing company.
It’s annoying that an outside party felt the need to step in and start a battle that didn’t exist before he opened his mouth and wasn’t his to begin with. Does anyone see me turning to my husband to have him verbally eviscerate people for me? When our former friends from work decided to be disrespectful jerks to the both of us, I confronted them alone and left my husband out of it. He has the power to make people cry if he wishes, but I’m not a child and I don’t need his help. This isn’t high school anymore and it’s sad that some people seem to still live in that time in their life, acting like scorned teenagers and inserting themselves into drama, trying to have a “who has the bigger dick” contest. It’s time to grow up.
Friendships are formed and friendships end. It’s simply life and there’s not much you can do when people need to go their separate ways. Maybe they’ll reconnect and maybe not. There is a proper way to handle your business though and it sure as hell didn’t happen here. It’s a sad thing and I’m more upset about it than I’ll admit. It’s pathetic that the boyfriend felt the need to insert himself into things and likely kill any chances of reconciliation. It’s obnoxious that any adult thinks just cutting someone off is a proper response after 20 years, taking one event as justification for ending a friendship. It’s a shame that I am the selfish one, not the person that expected me to drop everything and put on a happy face when I’m beyond stressed due to what has happened in the past month personally. I’m an imperfect person, as are we all, and I make mistakes. Should I have communicated more and paid more attention to my phone this past weekend? Sure. Am I a piece of shit for being distracted by shit in my life that is more important? No.
I can give you a list of friends I don’t see as much as I used to or would like to because they are in relationships, in school, busy with work and kids, or other factors. Do I get angry at them for that? Hell no. I miss them and I respect the fact that they have things in their life that come before myself and my husband. I take what I can get from them and I appreciate the fact that we’re friends. Friendship is about compromise. If my family coming before anyone else makes me selfish, so be it. If you can’t understand that I have priorities that outweigh hanging out and drinking, then I definitely see that we do not need to be friends. I’m in a great place in my life right now and I can’t waste time on negativity, drama, and people who refuse to see that I’ve grown up and have a family that is priority one.