Room 101

To say that my husband and I listen to a lot of the Ricky Gervais podcasts would be a major understatement.  Generally in the mornings, we pop in a CD of one of the podcasts rather than try to find a radio station that is playing more music than commercials.  On one of the podcasts, the trio discussed Room 101, a place where the worst things in the world exist.  On the BBC television show by the same name, various celebrities are interviewed and asked what pet peeves of theirs they would stick into Room 101, causing them to cease to exist in our world.  Gervais questions Karl Pilkington on what he would put in this room, assuming that the big problems in the world (cancer, AIDS, famine, etc.) are already present in the room.


It is a hilarious podcast, and I suggest that everyone hop on iTunes and download some of the free ones to give them a try, but it got me thinking about what I would stick into that room.  While Karl wanted to put in slugs and restless leg syndrome, Gervais was pushing for lazy parents and people who are thoughtless and arrogant enough to serve a stranger a meal prepared with their own breastmilk (don’t ask, just go download).  The following is my list of what needs to be banished to Room 101.

1.  Those with horrible table manners and/or eating habits.  It boggles my mind how many grown adults eat with their mouth open, try to hold a conversation with their mouth full of food, smack and lick their fingers, pop their gum, or eat chips like the goat in the latest Dorito commercial.  I do not, under any circumstances, want to listen to anyone chomping and crunching and slurping, especially not while I’m at work and unable to escape it.  I don’t want to go to a restaurant and sit next to a table that can’t manage to keep their mouths shut when there is food inside of it.  It’s gross and I banish all of these horrid people.


2.  Poor public restroom behavior.  A public restroom stall is not a place for a business meeting, a spot for your lunch, a place to hold a phone call, or an area for you to do anything but use the toilet and be on your way.  A public restroom sink isn’t the place for you to floss your teeth, wash your dishes, or spread your toiletries everywhere and primp.  The restroom is not a place for you and your friends to have a wild conversation, gossiping loudly while standing in everyone’s way.  It is not a place you should abuse since you don’t have to clean it by leaving paper on the floor, having bad aim, or leaving mini crime scenes behind in the stalls.  I’m tired of being afraid to enter a public restroom, so I banish you all.

3.  Spiteful gossipers.  Everyone gossips a bit and that’s perfectly fine.  What is not acceptable is engaging in trash talk, speculating and inserting your own details and drama, and trying to tear people down in order to make yourself feel better, get attention, or whatever silly motive is present.  It’s one thing to discuss an employee who was just fired, but a whole other to start saying s/he deserved it, that you heard X, Y and Z about him/her, and so on.  If you don’t have anything better to do with your time and waste your life flapping your jaw in this way, you are banished to Room 101.

4.  Motorists who can’t give up their phone.  I take calls in the car once in a while if it’s important.  I have texted and tweeted at stop signs and traffic lights.  But I don’t ignore everything around me while checking Facebook, cutting people off and nearly causing an accident in the process.  I don’t have long conversations with one hand on the wheel while forgetting the speed limit, my turn signals, and other basic rules of the road.  Put your damn phone down for a minute and pay attention to what is going on before you sideswipe someone or run off the road!  If you can’t manage that, you are banished.

texting and driving

5.  Lazy and disinterested parents.  There is a place and a time for your child to run around and be a kid.  Restaurants, malls, grocery stores, parking lots, gas stations, the workplace, movie theaters, bowling alleys, banks, laundromats, post offices and doctor’s offices do not qualify as any of those appropriate places.  Screaming children should be dealt with in public, not ignored in the hopes that they calm themselves down.  Employees of whatever location you are at are not babysitters and shouldn’t be treated as such.  Either pay attention to your kids or be banished to Room 101.

6.  Rude patrons/customers.  Don’t make the mistake of thinking that someone who is tasked to serve you is allowed to be treated like a slave.  It’s so easy to say “please” instead of making demands, to be polite instead of acting like you’re king or queen of the world, and to have respect for the person who is assisting you.  It’s wrong in so many ways to treat employees like they are less than you, and equally as wrong to yell at the poor customer service representative about an issue they did not cause and that they are trying to help you with.  Be polite or be banished.

7.  Lazy pet owners.  My husband was walking our dog one night and stepped in a huge pile of dog poo that was lying right in the middle of the sidewalk.  There is a teenage boy a few doors down from us that never picks up after his pet, a family a few doors down on the other side who doesn’t pick up after their puppy, and countless other lazy people who don’t bother removing their pet’s mess from public areas.  It’s disgusting and vile and unnecessary.  No one enjoys picking up poo with a flimsy bag, but that’s part of owning a dog.  Pick up your pet’s waste or start packing for a trip to Room 101.


8.  The foolish faith put into the wrong people in relationships.  This is the behavior, not necessarily the person.  It’s easy to get caught up in love and put blinders on to block out reality, but it’s absurd to ignore warning signs because your desire to be loved is stronger than your common sense.  If you see your friends abandoning you because of your significant other, ask yourself why instead of assuming that they’re busy or jealous and simply dismissing it.  If your significant other is always coming up with crazy stories to explain their behavior, question the validity of these tales.  This silly blind faith needs to be banished for good.

9.  Personal space invaders.  I have a bubble around me that 99.9% of people around me are not invited into.  I imagine most people feel similarly when it comes to strangers getting too close or making unwanted physical contact.  No line moves faster if you get right on top of the person standing in front of you.  No conversation moves along more smoothly if you’re right in the person’s face.  No employee wants you sitting on their desk while you ask a question.  Everyone deserves to have their personal space remain personal.  Respect it or go find your bed in Room 101.

10.  Attention whores.  They post photo after photo of their face from the exact same angle with comments like “OMG no makeup” in order to fish for compliments.  They bother every celebrity on Twitter by begging for retweets and follows.  They always have a story to top your own.  They brag about everything possible, even when they don’t have anything bragworthy to say.  They’ll crash your party or dinner, assuming you just forgot to invite them.  They are the center of their own universe and don’t understand why everyone doesn’t worship them the way they worship themselves.  Tone it down or you’re banished too.


What/who would you banish to Room 101?


About Jamie C. Baker

“Long time no see. I only pray the caliber of your questions has improved.” - Kevin Smith

Posted on March 13, 2013, in Crazy People, Life, Work and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

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