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Mr Cranky Pants

My husband and I have been taking advantage of being childless (my son is visiting with his grandparents) and going to the movies as often as we possibly can.  We’ve seen Man Of Steel for the second time, World War Z, and most recently This Is The End.  We had to drive a bit to see This Is The End, as our local theater had already taken it out of rotation to make room for newer films.  I expected the theater to be fairly empty, but it was almost a sold out show, so we did not have the luxury of empty seats around us.

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The movie was absolutely hilarious and the theater was filled with laughter for the entire movie.  Mostly.  I was unfortunately seated next to a man who looked to be in his 60s.  He was there with his date who had a big bag of popcorn, a large soda, and seemed to be really into the movie.  I was initially happy that the man wasn’t going to be eating popcorn and crunching in my ear, but his behavior was far worse than I could have imagined.  It was as if he had bought a ticket, thinking he was about to see a classical movie and was shocked and appalled that Seth Rogen was making dick jokes.

It began slowly, with lots of loud sighs when the rest of the theater was erupting with laughter.  It then escalated to comments like “look at these homos,” “what idiots,” “how stupid can you be,” and so on.  Any time we would laugh, the old man would complain.  He did let loose with a few small giggles, but they were always followed with a comment about how gross, idiotic, or homo the scene was.  When he wasn’t complaining, he was grabbing at his crotch and elbowing me; I eventually had to take my purse and create a barrier between us in order to get his clammy elbow out of my seating area, something that earned me a very annoyed glare.

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The crotch grabbing was by far the most disturbing part of his behavior, one both my husband and I silently agreed to call him out on if it continued.  But aside from his penis fascination, his attitude confused the life out of me.  I’ve had a crappy experience at this particular AMC before and was given free passes by management to make up for it.  Surely if this man was disgusted with This Is The End, a word with management could have eased him into another film and calmed his nerves.  Surely he realized that no one, including his date, paid $10 to sit in a theater and hear him complain about James Franco making jokes about weed.  It’s not anyone else’s problem if he is offended by Craig Robinson’s “Take Your Panties Off” t-shirt!

When the movie arrived at the scene where a giant demon appeared on screen, flashing its massive swinging dick on the screen, I thought this man was going to have a heart attack.  “This is just awful,” “how disgusting,” and more loud obnoxious sighs.  Sir, I get that it’s crude humor, but what in the holy hell did you expect when you bought your ticket?  This is a movie from SETH ROGEN!  I’ve seen Rogen in more serious roles (Take This Waltz, for example) but he’s always cussing, always laughing in a way that grates on many people’s nerves, and almost always smoking weed.  You do NOT go to a movie starring Seth Rogen and expect a classy film that is fun for the whole family.  You go to a movie starring Seth Rogen and expect stoner humor, dick jokes, and profanity.

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I have to assume that this is normal behavior for this old man, as his date wasn’t fazed by his loud mouth in the least.  Thankfully, my purse-barrier held and kept his gross elbow from touching me, but there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about his comments.  My husband mocked his loud sigh once and I said “leave if you don’t like it” after one of his many “homo” comments, but not a single thing silenced him until the credits rolled and he awkwardly made his way out of the theater.  On a different day, his behavior would have been enough to ruin the experience for me, but I was full of sushi and the movie was making me laugh far too often for my mood to dip.

Part of me wishes that I had gotten in his wrinkled old face and told him to shut the hell up or get the hell out.  Surely I was not the only one who wanted to do that; he earned quite a few angry glances from the row in front of him.  But my self control, combined with not wanting to ruin the movie for myself, stopped me from getting loud.  I wanted to fight fire with fire, but there’s no telling how the old man would have reacted and what he would have done.  I wanted to grab an employee to tell him to shut the hell up, but all that would have done was caused me to miss parts of the movie (and it might not have worked anyway).  So I did the bare minimum and was later left wondering why the hell I even bother going to movie theaters anymore.

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If you want to talk your way through a movie, that’s your right.  But do us all a favor and Redbox that movie so you can annoy only the people who are stuck in the house with you.  When you are in a public theater, you need to shut your damn mouth, stay in your own seat, keep your phone away, eat like a human being, and quit being an annoyance to people around you!  If the movie isn’t to your liking, haul your ass out of the seat and go complain your way into a refund or free passes.  Above all else, remember to act like a decent human being and have some respect for those around you.  And keep your hands out of your crotch.  Freaking weirdo.

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About Jamie C. Baker

“Long time no see. I only pray the caliber of your questions has improved.” - Kevin Smith

Posted on July 8, 2013, in Crazy People, TV/Movies and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. That sucks. I hate when that happens. I get so obsessed with the jerk in the theater that I spend as much time hearing him, thinking about responding to him, what I would do to him if it were legal…I end up missing some of the movie and I definitely don’t enjoy the movie as much as I could have. I don’t think I’ve gone to a theater in at least three years. It just got so bad that I couldn’t handle it anymore. It’s like common sense and politeness have just gone out the window.

    Today, the Director of Ops and I were talking about one of our locations and he said, “The damage has increased there (one of our locations) because the kids these days are wild animals, it’s like nobody is raising them right.” Because of that we have to spend a lot more money securing things with locks and chains, bolting things down, installing cameras and equipment to minimize vandalism, etc…

    Sometimes I think the Universe would be better off if a meteor just wiped us all out.

  2. We shot that movie in the format that plays on airplanes only [laughs]. They were like, ‘Talk loud because the engine will be roaring. […] ‘You’ve got to talk over the engine; there’s announcements early on in the flight. You’ve got to take that into consideration [laughs].

  3. This movie was Fireproof 2 — only substitute fatherhood problems for marriage woes, and law enforcement officers for firefighters. Like most of these faith-based films, Sherwood Pictures’ Courageous was front-loaded because of pre-sales and church groups bussed to theaters. But Sony initially expected a better opening weekend even though it was playing in only half as many locations as the other major studio releases. Still, it made the best per-screen average and rated a rare ‘A ’ CinemaScore across the board with men and women of all ages. Opening weekend exits show the audience was fairly balanced in gender (53% was female) and the reach had a slightly older skew (77% were aged 25 ). These pics cost next-to-nuthin’ — Courageous made back its $2 million production budget in its first day of release. Sherwood Pictures is based in Albany, Georgia, where moviemaking ministry Sherwood Baptist Church churns out these inspirational films aimed at Christians. Sony Pictures’s secular TV media was concentrated in outlets like Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, Hallmark Channel, TLC, Lifetime, and TV Land as well as more conservative-leaning outlets ranging from Fox News, CMT to Christian Broadcasting Network and Gospel Music Channel. The marketing budget was “modest and grassroots’. Like Fireproof (2008), Facing The Giants (2006), Flywheel (2003), the co-writers were Stephen Kendrick, who also produced, and Alex Kendrick, who also directed. They, along with producers Michael Catt and Jim McBride together make every movie decision at Sherwood where the four-man team also serve as pastors of the church. Fireproof opened as the No. 4 film in the nation this same time of year, eventually grossing $33 million theatrically. But it also starred former TV teen hearthrob Kirk Cameron, and Courageous was cast with unknowns.

  4. I want to to thank a person for this great read!! We definitely taking pleasure in every amount of it I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff a person post

  5. I saw this movie about 2 weeks ago at a free screening at the very nice Landmark Theater in West Los Angeles. Nice theater and good movie– and it was free. I remember that Thursday because the previous night I had a closing shift and in order for me to attend the screening I had to switch shifts and open on the day of the screening. By 5:30pm, I was extremely tired due to an amalgam of two workdays, welded by the allure of the cinema like one long endeavor. I found the film amusing and funny but my passive opinion then was perhaps due to my tiredness. On its theatrical release I find myself watching a second time with doubts the movie would resonate this time around like many comedies that lose its allure after a second viewing. I was greatly mistaken and surprised because I found myself more entertained with the laughs rolling on out.

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