To my “mother,”
Since you apparently come here to read my words and frequently visit my Twitter page (in spite of your claim of not caring one way or the other about me), I figured it would be appropriate to write you a letter. And no, it’s not slander as you say. I’m not writing for a newspaper or a magazine. I write for myself and welcome anyone who wants to take time to read it. This is an editorial, if it is anything at all. I don’t give out your personal information, I don’t post your email address so that people can harass you, and I don’t harass you myself. If you choose to be here, it’s not my problem if you don’t like what you see.
It amazes me that someone who doesn’t care, as you say you do, is willing to spend so much time obsessing over me. Do you know what I say to people I don’t care about and who I don’t want in my life? Nothing. Jack shit. Unlike you, I don’t go out of my way to contact people who mean nothing to me. Your hateful email was not only filled with poor grammar, but it was filled with emotion. YOU can’t let ME go, not the other way around. You hate that I’m doing so well. You hate that I’m raising an amazing kid without your help. You hate that I’m flourishing and growing. You hate that I’m not an overweight slob like you were at 32. You hate that I’m not 100% dependent on a man for my survival like you are. You hate that I still matter to you, so you seek to bring me down so I’m just as miserable as you are.
You can consider me your godless whore of a child if you wish. Funny, because I’m fairly sure that as a Christian, you are meant to have the belief that only God can judge. You have no business damning me to hell as you do. How well do you think you’ll be judged at the pearly gates for the way you treat me? Where in the Bible does it say that it’s acceptable to throw stones at your own child? Your faith is so twisted and perverted that it can hardly be called faith at all. Luke 6:37 states “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” For someone who claims to be so religious, you sure as hell have no clue what you’re talking about. Maybe you should read the Bible a tad more closely before you think about writing me another letter.
You have treated me like garbage for as long as I can remember. You love to project this image of being a loving mother and devoted wife, but we both know the truth. I can remember being three years old and having you yank my hair back and tell me “this is all your fault” after you got into a verbal altercation with my father. I remember you slamming a door in my face, causing one of my teeth to fall out. I remember all the things you try to deny and have probably forgotten about. You never wanted me as your daughter, and that’s fine. Pushing someone out of your body does not make someone a mother. You didn’t become a mother until you had your son, your shining star. You made it obvious that he was the golden child and I was a mistake. And no, I’m not bitter. I am lucky enough to have a mother in my life now who loves me to pieces. My mother-in-law is a saint and I am endlessly thankful to have her. She has shown me what a mother truly is.
Your threat to me to share all my dirty secrets with the world is such a silly threat. Feel free to lie away. Try and convince the world that I am a terrible person. Open the closet and let all the skeletons out. I don’t care. If anyone wants to believe the words from a bitter old woman, let them. I know the truth and deep down, so do you. Anyone who chooses to believe your bullshit is clearly as unstable as you are, and therefore their opinion does not and will not matter to me. If telling people how awful I am cures your loneliness for a moment, have at it. If sharing stories about what a mess you think I am makes you feel better about yourself, go for it. The only people who will buy into your crap are people who are just as damaged as you are.
My son is finally old enough to see what lies underneath your mask. When he returned from his summer visit, one of the first things he said to me was how mean you are. Without me even bringing you up, he told me how little he enjoys being around you. He expressed his desire to never see you again and to only see my father. He doesn’t understand why you speak so cruelly about me. And no, before you throw another accusation at me, I do not tell him what I really think of you. I have no desire to put my child in the middle of a petty battle. YOU have put him there. You carelessly threw my child in an uncomfortable place and now I have to try to pick up the pieces and make him understand that everything is okay. Your spiteful attitude is affecting my child, and I’ll be damned if I let that continue.
Corinthians 13:4-7 states “Love is patient; love is kind. Love is not jealous; is not proud; is not conceited; does not act foolishly; is not selfish; is not easily provoked to anger; keeps no record of wrongs; takes no pleasure in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth; love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.” I’m sure as an avid reader of the Bible and a good Christian, you’re familiar with those verses. (Yes, that is laced with sarcasm) You don’t know what love is. You have perverted and twisted the meaning of love to fit your warped view on the world. You don’t love my son, you see him as a tool in your arsenal. You use him to try to hurt me, just as you use everyone else in your life. On the positive side though, knowing that you don’t have the faintest idea what love is makes me feel a hell of a lot better about the fact that you never loved your own child. Monsters aren’t capable of such deep emotion.
I don’t hate you. I nothing you. The only reason you ever enter my mind is because my son has the unfortunate luck to be stuck with you a few times a year. If not for that, you would never be so much as a whisper on my lips. You are damn lucky that you married such a wonderful and understanding man, otherwise you would be doomed to die alone in an empty room with no one around to mourn the loss. I have tried so many times to repair our relationship until I finally realized that there is no point in reasoning with a soulless person. I will wake up tomorrow and the next day with a clear conscience. You are the one who has to wake up and fight against the weight of the terrible things you have said and done. Good luck with that.