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Conflict

I am a very emotional person.  I am deeply affected by the opinions and words of other people, assuming they are a person who matters to me in some way.  My mother was not exactly the nicest person on Earth, which may or may not have something to do with the fact that I’m ultra sensitive to criticism.  I was bullied growing up, but virtually everyone can say the same thing, so I’m doubtful that has anything to do with it either.  I don’t obsess over what people’s opinions of me are, but I will get crazy over someone I love pointing out something negative about it, especially if it’s done so it the wrong way.  I drive myself batshit crazy.

Waa cry baby2

I’m not entirely prepared to place blame fully on myself, however.  If a random stranger at the mall tells me I’m a moron, I’ll wonder what crawled up their ass and move on with my day with a laugh or some confusion.  If someone whose opinion I value decides to tell me that I’m being an idiot, I’m going to take that comment and dwell on it for far too long.  I’m going to waste time trying to figure out exactly why they said it, what I did to deserve that, and whether or not they were trying to hurt me.  I’m going to wonder why they think I deserve to be spoken to in that manner.  I’ll allow it to get under my skin and fester.  People who I care about generally care about me in return.  And people who care about me shouldn’t be hurtful towards me, right?

I would love to spend 24 hours as one of those people who never seem to let anything bother them.  You can scream in their face and they’ll just move on with their day as if nothing happened.  I’d love to let things roll right off my back like water off a duck.  Trust me, I’ve tried time and time again to let things go and not let them get to me.  It never works.  As a result, I become incredibly frustrated with people who don’t ever let things affect them visibly.  The more emotional I get, the more calm they are, and it’s beyond frustrating.  Do they even care?  Or is it simply that I get too involved and lose focus while they are reacting rationally and not allowing setbacks to ruin their day in the way I do?

sensitive

I don’t know how to change myself (or even if I can) and I certainly can’t change anyone else, so I’m facing a brick wall.  The only way I was able to get over my own mother throwing hateful things my way is to eventually become numb to it and to cut her out of my life; I only hear from her now when she feels like sending a hateful email my way, which I can choose to ignore.  Obviously becoming fully numb and/or cutting people out of my life is hardly a healthy option when it comes to dealing with being overly emotional.  And yes, I’ve asked people to speak to me differently, but I can’t change their nature, nor can I expect them to change for me, so that isn’t a reliable solution either.  I’m simply stuck.

I’ve tried removing myself from situations when I feel myself getting hurt when I probably shouldn’t, but all it does is frustrate me when the other person simply goes about their business while I’m sat somewhere being miserable.  I’ve tried relaxing, taking some deep breaths, having a good cry, or trying to distract myself in some fashion.  Nothing seems to do a damn bit of good.  If I’m doomed to be a touchy time bomb for the rest of my life, I need to find some decent coping mechanisms.  Writing this is helping a bit, taking a walk immediately afterwards will help as well, but what happens when I’m done with those two things and back here sitting alone with my thoughts?

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I was put on medication briefly to manage anxiety, but both myself and my doctor decided it wasn’t right for me (it numbed me to the point of not caring about anything, which isn’t exactly healthy).  I’ve gone to therapy a few times, which stressed me out even more.  I’ve tried meditation, along with a number of other recommended ways to relax and let things go.  As you can tell, I’ve had no luck.  I’m always going to try; this blog was started because I needed an outlet and a way to get my emotions in check.  But maybe everyone else needs to try as well.  Maybe think before telling someone they’re useless when you know they take it to heart.  Maybe don’t treat someone with the same lack of delicacy as you like to be treated because you’re two different people and you don’t require the same things.

Or maybe I’m wrong and it’s fully my problem to sort out.  The thing is, I have no earthly idea about that or any of this.  I’m lost beyond words, and a little frustrated that I’m nearly 900 words deep and still not feeling any better.  I’m hurt.  I’m annoyed that I’m hurt and even more annoyed that it doesn’t seem to matter to anyone but myself.  And what annoys me the most is that it would just take a few kind words to make me feel better, but I have little to no hope of hearing those words from the person I want to.  So here I sit, and nothing changes.

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About Jamie C. Baker

“Long time no see. I only pray the caliber of your questions has improved.” - Kevin Smith

Posted on February 24, 2014, in Life and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Well. I may not be the person you want to hear it from, but I think you’re AMAZING and beautiful and talented and hilarious and you have NO reason to be anything other than madly in love with yourself. Don’t let irrational thoughts harsh your mellow, man. You rock and you should wake up each day feeling like the fucking badass that you are. 

    ❤ — Sent from Mailbox for iPhone

    On Mon, Feb 24, 2014 at 9:17 AM, The Sanity Of A Mad Woman

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