I am absolutely horrible at dealing with death. Having a person here one day and gone the next is something I’ll never quite get used to. It doesn’t help that I’m slightly terrified by dead bodies and act like a royal idiot every rare instance I am in a funeral home. When it comes to properly dealing with death, I am completely clueless. I cry randomly when it makes no sense, but remain dry-eyed in moments I should be in tears. I never know what to say or do or how to act. I almost prefer to be notified via text message so I can deal with things in my own way without embarrassing myself or offending anyone.
Everyone deals with death in a different way, and lately I’ve had front row tickets to all the different ways we try to process the loss of life. Some people blame themselves, even though in just about every instance, there was nothing they could have done to prevent whatever happened. Some people blame the deceased, wondering why they couldn’t have done things differently so they could still be here. Anger is a big one; we get angry at the family, at friends or coworkers, at ourselves, or at anything we perceive as not right or proper. Others just withdraw into themselves, as if hiding will make the death something that was all a bad dream.
People have a funny way of coming together in times of tragedy. Estranged family members are suddenly best of friends, hugging and crying and laughing together as they work through each day and try to heal. Sometimes the change is a long lasting one, but more often than not, everyone goes back to ignoring each other within a month or two. It’s a shame that the effects never seem to be long lasting ones, but I suppose it’s better than nothing at all.
Right now, I am dealing by avoiding as much as I possibly can. From the get-go, people have been horrendously ugly with each other, even going as far as saying certain family members did not have the right to attend a viewing. Some people seem concerned with who gets what, totally driven by money and objects while completely ignoring the fact that someone is gone from this world forever. There are plots and theories and things being said that are better suited for an episode of CSI. I simply cannot deal with it anymore.
Call me selfish if you will, but I decided to skip a memorial service earlier today. I declined to go because I did not want to deal with someone who planned to block the door and not allow certain people inside (even though it’s a public service, so it wouldn’t have worked in the end). I declined because I can’t listen to one more theory about what REALLY happened and who is REALLY responsible. I declined because I find it disgusting how certain people are behaving when we should all be honoring someone’s life and remembering them fondly in death.
I am terrible at dealing with death. But I’ve discovered that there are a lot of people who deal with it a hundred times worse than I ever have. I’ve learned that in the end, the way you deal is not important. What is important is that the memory of the one we lost is honored somehow. Differences are put aside and we all treat each other like human beings for a while. Death is a reminder of how short and fragile life is. When someone dies, we shouldn’t waste time hating each other and acting like self-absorbed strangers. That’s no way to live. If I’ve learned one thing this past week, it is that I waste too much time on negativity. I don’t want to do that anymore. And when I die, I want the people I’ve left behind to get along, not argue over who gets what or blame each other for my passing. Life is too short to be wasted on bullshit.
Well, it’s finally happened. I have reached the point in my life where my birthday is no longer the big deal I once thought it to be. My birthday is this Friday and I will be spending eight and a half hours of it at my desk at work. I’ll be attending a promotion ceremony for a coworker, chasing around civilians for their time cards, and fielding calls and emails that are too boring to even mention. I have zero plans to go out and drink or party or get myself in trouble, although my husband is likely planning to do something amazing for dinner that evening. All my excitement about the next few days is reserved for the two WWE events in June that my husband and I have tickets for, and the gifts that he’s worked so hard to make perfect. But as far as my birthday itself? Who cares?
Let me assure you, my reluctance to make a big deal of a day that comes around every year has nothing to do with my desire to still be in my 20s, my inability to organize a perfect party, or my friends and family failing to make this into the huge production I secretly desire it to be. I would much rather celebrate someone else’s big day and allow them to be the center of attention so I can enjoy myself than be the person of the hour and have all eyes on me. I don’t expect my family to go for broke to make my birthday a huge deal and I’d feel horribly guilty if they ever did so. I’m perfectly content with my age and the stage I’m currently at in life and sure as hell wouldn’t trade it for my 20s. Unless we’re talking my metabolism from ten years ago, which I will gladly accept.
I’ve been watching an acquaintance of mine go crazy over her birthday, which is around the same time as mine. She’s organizing two days of events and trying to get the maximum amount of people involved. I keep seeing her stress about who is going to what event, who wants to do what, and a whole lot of other things that don’t seem like the kind of things one should worry about on a day they are meant to be having fun. I won’t be going to her big event, as she scheduled it on my birthday and I feel weird about celebrating someone else’s day on my own with a bunch of her friends that I don’t know. Unfortunately, my decision seems to have hurt her feelings, but I’d rather just have a quiet evening with my husband followed by some quality time with the child.
Right now, there are so many amazing things set to happen that my birthday is the least of my worries or concerns. Not only do we have a WWE Pay Per View to attend and a Raw to get to the following day, but we have some major life changes in our very near future that dwarf any birthday when compared side by side. (Not a baby. No one mention a baby. There is no baby.) It would be selfish of me to try to make this Friday into a big production when we have so many other things going on. Not only do I not care about turning 33 all that much, I have no desire to put anything else on the back burner simply so I can feel like a princess for a few hours. I don’t know what my husband has planned, but I know he’ll make me feel special and spoiled, and that is more than enough.
My birthday should be whatever I want it to be. If I want it to be just another day, throw me a happy birthday wish and be done with it. I promise it’s not some weird female trick in order to get presents and surprise parties. Hell, you can even forget about it entirely and I won’t be put off or offended. If I snap one day and try to organize the biggest party ever, you should decline to attend guilt-free if you so choose. I’ve lost count of the birthday celebrations I’ve had to skip due to financial issues, scheduling conflicts, or just because I didn’t feel like going. And that’s okay. Birthdays shouldn’t be about how many people can be forced to celebrate your day. It should be about what you want to do, who you want to do it with, and what kind of happiness you can find with whatever you receive. The way I see it, as long as I’m smiling, the day went exactly as it should have.
I am a loud mouthed shit talker. I’ll give you a moment to get over the shock and surprise….
I’m pretty active on this site and on Twitter, using both platforms as a way to express myself, to connect with friends, and to vent about whatever frustration is currently circling around my head like a vulture. I tend to focus a lot on the people in my life, both the ones I keep by choice and the ones that float in and out by chance, circumstance, or simply because they don’t know when to quit. Sometimes I take someone’s situation and comment on it (without bringing the person’s name into it), sometimes a friend will inspire a thought that I’ll go on about, and sometimes someone just ticks me off and I need to yell a bit. Whatever the cause, the chances are that if we’re friends, I have or will write about you in some form or another.
I do my best not to be specific. If you are dead to me, I’ll probably throw the initial of your first name in there but I won’t out you specifically or link to your personal pages. With the people who are still in my life, I find it best to leave it anonymous. I had a friend recently inspire a blog and immediately know it was inspired by him, which was a bit strange for me. I know these updates are thrown onto Twitter where anyone can click away and end up here, but I don’t think of my friends actually taking time out to read my nonsense. I suppose that gives me a false sense of security to talk about whatever I want without consequence.
I do not get into things that are told to me in confidence, that seem personal, that seem private, or that aren’t any of my damn business. If a friend confided in me that she cheated on her husband/boyfriend/girlfriend, that would not be something I’d put on here, anonymous or not. (This is also not something that has happened since I was a teenager; my friends are pretty straightforward) I also don’t post frivolous nonsense when it comes to my friends; if you wreck your car because you’re acting irresponsibly, I’m not going to blab about it on here and risk potentially embarrassing you (although I will probably pick on you in person). I do my best to make sure that anything inspired by a friend is appropriate to stick on here or common enough that it’s something we all could deal with.
Writing on here is therapeutic for me and I don’t think any topic should be off limits so long as I’m not being cruel or trying to start some silly internet war. I can’t count the number of times I wanted to post a link to someone’s Twitter account or post screen shots with personal information so every visitor could see what I see and maybe understand a bit better. I have stopped myself many times from adding so many specifics that it would be impossible not to know exactly who I was talking about. And it wasn’t because I had any respect for these people, but because I didn’t want to be THAT person. I didn’t want to get a bit of payback on a person by giving them exposure here; I try to instead vaguely vent and hope that they eventually just screw up and expose themselves.
Due to the fact that I vent so much, I sometimes find myself feeling guilty or afraid that I offended someone who wasn’t on my mind as my fingers were tapping on the keyboard. What if I write about sloppy drunks and a friend, who I recently had drinks with, misunderstands and thinks I’m talking about the night out we had together? What if s/he instantly becomes angry or upset with me, slowly withdrawing until our friendship is broken? There are some instances where I post something and see a random friend vanish from my life for a bit. My paranoid mind can’t shake the fact that my words here could potentially be the cause.
I feel torn. Do I stop writing in order to spare feelings that may not even be hurt or do I keep writing and learn to stop being so damn paranoid about everything? I honestly don’t feel that I can accomplish either. I need to get things off my chest, so quitting this is off the table. As far as killing my paranoia, I’ve been trying that for years without any luck. The lack of solution is the reason I’m writing this particular entry. If my friends see anything, let them see this. Let them know that I’m not directing my anger towards them, spreading their personal information around, or simply being a bitch. Let them know that I wouldn’t joke with them in one place, then come here and bash their character. Let them know that, much like movies and TV shows, any relation to anyone living or dead is often purely coincidental.
If you’re here, you’re probably also one of my Twitter buddies. We likely text or email from time to time, see each other when we can, and those things are concrete signs that you matter to me. If you matter, I respect you, which means I would not and will not cross any lines and sub-blog about you or your personal information. If you suck as a person, we’re not friends, or you piss me off in Walmart, you are fair game. But my friends are my friends and I like you guys too much to publicly bash you, regardless of whether or not your name has been brought into it or not. Please help me with my paranoia and try to understand. I’d tell you to eat a dick well before I write about you the way I write about Tubbs.
While screwing around on Twitter this morning, I saw a few random comical comments from a female that I could once call a friend but who I’m now unsure of where she fits into my life, if she even fits at all. We have not spoken since the day I finally became fed up with her friend’s boyfriend and told him that I want nothing to do with him. This was after he had acted very inappropriately and disrespectfully to me and to his girlfriend (indirectly), but I kept the trash talk out of it and just ended the friendship I had with him. His girlfriend slowly cut me out of her life, but this one female has kept me around on her Twitter feed for some reason even though we no longer speak. She’s favorited things I’ve said after the incident, yet uninvited me to two things we had previously planned. And I don’t understand it at all.
I suspect the reasoning behind it, other than her loyalty to her friend, is that she sees me as wrong and ill-informed when it comes to the guy I cut out of my life. She was drinking and distracted the first time he acted like a royal ass, not around the second time he acted inappropriately, and not present on Twitter enough to see the rest of it. To her, this guy is amazing and a perfect match for her friend. To her, I am jealous, bitter, bitchy or a combination of all three. Since I have not defended my actions and not explained why I cut the guy out of my life, I am probably also seen as cowardly. Truth is, there is no way in hell she or her friend would listen to anything I have to say. It’s like that too often with women. We get blinded by love and ignore everything else while treating other females like garbage if we feel threatened in any way.
This is one of the main reasons I have a very small group of female friends. This nonsense was a daily issue in middle and high school as we fought over boys and battled with our self-esteem. I expected and accepted it as a teenager, but I’ll be 32 this year and I’m not okay with dealing with it any longer. If I slip up and make a mistake, I will own up to it and make efforts to repair the damage, but if I am justified in my behavior and it just so happens to upset you, I don’t feel that I am in the wrong. If I am hitting on your boyfriend, that is my mistake and I owe you an apology and must right the situation. If your boyfriend hits on me and I tell him where to stick it, I have nothing to apologize for. So why is it that I am seen as in the wrong and given the silent treatment in those situations where boyfriend was bad? Why is he absolved of all wrongdoing while I am slowly pushed away?
Part of me thinks that certain females see me as a threat. I don’t say that in an egotistical way and I’m not trying to claim that I’m so gorgeous, guys can’t resist me. But I am confident and confidence can be sexy. I’m married and I don’t care what any other man thinks of me outside of my husband. The lack of worry about having to impress the masses has boosted my confidence, plus my husband makes me feel gorgeous, so I suspect that lends to females thinking that I could pose a threat to their relationships. I was once that same shy little girl who was threatened by any woman who was pretty or that came across as sure of themselves. But then I grew up.
Another reason I feel that I’ve been pushed away by this female is the fact that I have chosen to remain absolutely quiet about why I became angry at the boyfriend, as I do not want to be the one who messes up the relationship. If I could put her in my place and show her what I’ve seen, this would likely be a very different situation right now. Sadly, I can’t do this and I won’t waste time trying to convince her of what I know. I didn’t listen when people told me that my ex was a liar and a cheat, I just felt very silly when I found out the hard way. If I had let loose with details, there is a small chance that I would have been heard, but it was too small of a chance for me to bother. So I remain silent and look like the bad guy. All anyone has to do is ask, but it’s easier to stick to the strange girl code of shunning females who threaten us.
Whatever the reasoning, the bottom line is that the female who has yet to delete me from her Twitter and the female who has already done so are both reminding me way too much of my high school days. I tried hanging on, as we have a mutual friend in the mix, but I no longer see the point. To be so irate at me that you uninvite my kid to your own kid’s birthday party is just silly and I want no part of it. I don’t want to associate with someone who thinks so little of me and I don’t want to associate with anyone who doesn’t have the guts to express what they are feeling and express why they are angry. It’s cowardly and it shows that you know deep down that you’re angry for a stupid reason.
Ladies, every female out there isn’t secretly plotting and planning, her mind set on tearing your life apart so she can steal your man, take your job, and laugh as you are left with nothing. Not every chick who doesn’t like your boyfriend is acting that way because they are secretly crushing on them; often they see something you don’t and shouldn’t be ignored. It is pointless and petty to treat each other as if we are all waiting to stab the other in the back. I’m exhausted by it all. I’ve taken the few seconds today to delete the female in question from my following feed and I’ve blocked both of these ladies in order to further distance myself. If they want to talk things out, they both have my phone number. In the meantime, I’m content in sticking them both in the past until we can all act like adults.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! This year marks the first time my husband and I will have our turkey dinner at home; my sister-in-law gave birth to a baby girl on November 11th and my mother-in-law is in Ohio helping her get through one of the many tough weeks of handling your first child. She nearly cut her trip short in order to be back to cook us dinner at her home, but we insisted that we would be fine and would prepare our own meal. Hopefully it goes well!
My son had a homework assignment last week to write down five things he is thankful for. It was a challenge for him at first, but he eventually came up with a nice list that of course included his toys. While it might seem cliché or silly for us as adults to write down the things we are thankful for, I think it’s a good exercise that reminds you of the positive things in life, something we just don’t look at enough. In no particular order, I give you my list of what I am thankful for
1. My son. His birth gave me the strength to walk away from a bad relationship and to fully stand up for myself with my parents. He taught me about priorities and what counts in life. He makes me want to be a better person and to give him a better mom than I had. Watching him grow from a feisty baby into an even feistier six-year-old has been both rewarding and a challenge, but he is definitely one of my greatest accomplishments.
2. My husband. I knew there was something about him when I first laid eyes on his photo and I can’t be happier that our long distance friendship resulted in marriage. We rushed into things thinking love conquers all and discovered that not to be the case, but the hurdles we’ve had to jump have made us stronger as a couple and better as individuals. He’s my partner in crime and my best friend; I can’t imagine ever being without him.
3. My mother-in-law. To say this woman is a saint is a great understatement. She has done more for me in these last four years than my own mother has done for me my entire life. She is the most selfless person I’ve ever met. Her one flaw is that she neglects herself due to spending way too much time and effort on us kids. If I ever get rich, I’m buying this woman a house and every servant imaginable so she can be pampered for the rest of her days.
4. My job. It may drive me crazy at times, but it provides for myself and my family, allows me time to study and pursue other interests, and is a stable place to work. With some struggling to find employment, I consider myself very lucky to have a great paying job. Plus there are enough comical characters around here to keep me fully entertained.
5. Our dog. Adopted as a puppy from the Humane Society, this pup has brought enough joy into our lives to last a lifetime. He’s playful, vocal, loving and obedient. He always knows exactly when one of us needs cheering up and he’s never too busy for cuddle time. He’s such a personable dog and is truly a member of our family. Plus he likes pizza; anyone who likes pizza is definitely a friend of mine.
6. My memories. I’ve been to the Bahamas, Key West, Pigeon Forge, Venezuela, Chicago, Niagara Falls, countless amusement parks and fairs and many other places that were new and exciting for me. Even if they weren’t perfect at the time, I can look back whenever I want and remember all the fun I had. So long as my mind is in tact, no one can take my memories away from me or from the people I spent my time with.
7. My brain. I was in the gifted program in school and I’ve never had a problem learning new things and retaining information. I’m not the smartest chick in the coop, but I have the advantage of having higher than average intelligence and should use it more often. I’m sometimes amazed at the random bits of knowledge that have stuck with me throughout the years, regardless of their level of importance.
8. My best friend. I’ve known him for nearly 18 years now and although we don’t talk as much as we used to, we always seem to pick up right where we left off. He got me through high school and has always supported me, whether he meant to or not. He’s one of the few people who I never have to worry about judging me and one of the few people I can really trust.
9. The internet. It’s been so long since AOL dial-up that I often forget what life was life before I had the world available in my pocket. Smartphones, online gaming, instant streaming movies and TV shows; I’d honestly be lost if we had to go back to the pre-internet days. It’s overwhelming at times, but I enjoy being connected to whatever I choose, regardless of where I may be.
10. The bad stuff. Every negative thing that has happened in my life has helped shape the person that I am today and made me stronger for having experienced it. I’ve lost nearly all my possessions twice over and while it was awful, it’s made me more appreciative of what I have now. I wouldn’t want to relive any of it, but I’m grateful it happened so I could get where I am today.
Happy Thanksgiving! What are YOU thankful for?
I was off for a couple of days due to both my son and I feeling less than stellar. This wasn’t a problem whatsoever with my boss in the office, but it was a concern to me because I had just switched employment from contractor A to contractor B; my job is the exact same but my out of office employer has changed. It’s never a positive to be off of work so soon after beginning a new job. My concern turned into serious worry when my husband informed me that a woman on my contract had mentioned something to my mother-in-law, saying that I should be careful. After finding that out, I came into work in a pretty paranoid state, but all was well with my new employer, I just get stuck taking leave without pay since I haven’t accrued sick or vacation time just yet. They weren’t upset because I had no way of requesting the time off properly (they had yet to send me the login information and instructions) and I’ve held this job for over a year so obviously my in-office boss is okay with me. It was quite a relief.
What bothers me most though is that this woman in my office went to my mother-in-law about me. She has no pull over me as she is only authorized to supervise employees in her area, but regardless of whether or not she is my supervisor, she had no business going to my family member about anything related to my job. As my husband said, it’s a bit unprofessional for her to discuss something related to my employment with my mom-in-law rather than come to me if she had a concern. The only reason I’m not upset about the whole thing is because I believe that she was simply trying to help me out and ended up doing it in a way that I disagree with. She’s always done things that she believes will assist me and this was probably one of those things. It’s only natural to want to help a friend out, even if they don’t ask for it and even if they don’t actually need it.
When I talk about my son’s behavioral issues at his daycare, I’m guaranteed to get parenting advice from people both with and without kids, even though all I’m doing is relaying events to my peers. When my husband and I kicked off our road to not being fat last year, we received advice from people on how we should best lose weight, something that continued even after my husband lost around 80 pounds and I lost around 30. We didn’t feel that we needed any help since what we were doing seemed to work, but people gave it anyway, especially people who could stand to take their own advice. I can’t claim to be innocent here either; I often find myself itching to offer advice when it’s not asked for on topics I’m passionate about. Sometimes I’m unable to hold back and I’m sure it’s irritating to my poor friends who just wanted to vent to me about one of life’s many frustrations.
There are a few different reasons people jump in to offer help and advice when it’s unsolicited. On the innocent end of the spectrum, you have your good Samaritans, those who are truly and honestly concerned with your well-being and who speak up or act out to prevent you from being harmed or hurt. My mother-in-law fits into this category; she’ll throw help my way even when it’s unnecessary because she refuses to see me struggle or want for anything. Further down you have your little helpers, people who feel both a need to offer help and a desire to share a bit of their life experience. After them comes the over sharers, those who enjoy jumping in with a story of their own and who put little thought into whether or not their information will be of use to you. Finally, on the end of the spectrum comes the malicious twats, the people who desire to make you look bad, point out what you’re doing wrong, prove they can do better, and make you feel pretty stupid for your actions or lack thereof.
Most of the people in my life are ones with good intentions and I consider myself quite lucky to be able to say that. However, even the best of intentions can fall flat when the party you’re assisting doesn’t want your help. For example, I get irritated at my husband now and then because I’ll come to him with something that’s bothering me and want nothing else but to vent for a bit and get it off my chest. He hears my story and offers a solution to whatever problem it contains. What I see as a vent-and be-done-with-it situation, he sees as me asking for advice or assistance. He’s only trying to help, but when I don’t want it, it accomplishes the opposite.
There’s no point in wasting time waiting for other people to change and generally no point in asking either. What I’ve had to do to eliminate to abundance of “helping” hands from my surroundings is to adjust the way I speak around people and change my expectations. If the topic is sensitive, it’s only brought up around people I seriously trust and wouldn’t mind opinions from. I also try my best to quiet myself when the urge to help hits and I’m unsure if it’s wanted or not. I’ve accepted the fact that malicious idiots exist and can sometimes disguise themselves as friends; a clean break from these people is the only surefire way I have found to escape their condescending advice and hurtful intentions.
One important thing to remember about the malicious crowd is that it’s not solely made up of people you consider friends or acquaintances. Often times, it’s someone you barely know doing something to “help” you with the intent of embarrassing or troubling you. Not-Paula Deen at work, for example, has gone to my boss with complaints about me with the excuse that she’s looking out for me. A former coworker of mine went to the boss with false claims of another coworker drinking on the job; their excuse was “I’m concerned about the company and her kids,” but the lie and the attitude prior showed that their only concern was getting someone they hated fired. Be careful what you say and who you say it around; don’t give the pricks of the world any ammunition to hurt you with under the guise of being a friend and be smart enough to tell the difference between friendly actions and evil ones.
As I wrote that last paragraph, my mother-in-law stopped by to see me and to apologize for my coworker approaching her about me. She’s apologizing for something that wasn’t her fault whatsoever, something she has zero obligation or need to be sorry for. I don’t want an apology from her or from the woman who went to her, not because I want to be rude but because there’s nothing to be sorry for. It’s my responsibility to control the flow of information around me; if I don’t want certain people involved in parts of my life I need to limit the amount of information they receive. I can’t get advice if I keep things to myself and I can’t get hurt by private information if I just keep it private. The minor event of my coworker going to my mother-in-law was a good reminder that I need to button things up now before something major happens.
Call me guarded or paranoid if you will, but I enjoy my privacy. I’m comfortable being an open book at home and only allowing others to see the chapters I deem fit for public viewing. It cuts down on the unsolicited help I receive, eliminates much of the unwanted advice and recommendations from various people, and forces people like my coworker not-Paula Deen to either shut her trap or indulge in a bit of fiction to try to get at me. We’re an oversharing society that lacks a mute button and has no shame, but gets upset when people “butt in” without us asking to. Yep, myself included. Maybe once in a while we all need to just shut up for a bit. People can’t take shots if we don’t hand them bullets.