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Make America Make Sense Again

When Donald Trump announced that he was running for President of the United States, we all had a great laugh and went about our business. We laughed and made memes while Trump made people start believing his hype, and we are now faced with the frightening reality that this man could be our next President. Trump was born in Queens in NYC to a stay-at-home mother and a real estate developer father. His mother was born on the Scottish island of Lewis and Harris and his father, born in Queens as well, was the son of German immigrants. A 13-year-old Trump left school due to behavioral issues and was enrolled in the New York Military Academy where he finished out high school. He went on to graduate with a bachelors degree in economics from the University of PA.


Trump managed to avoid the draft during the Vietnam War thanks to four student deferments and a medical deferment for heel spurs in one or both feet, depending on which day you ask him about it. He began working for his father’s company and eventually found himself in the spotlight when he was accused of violating the Fair Housing Act. Trume settled the charges without admitting any guilt. He was in court again regarding this issue several years later, again admitting no guilt.


He made a few successful business moves, but ended up bankrupting the Taj Mahal Casino in New Jersey after being unable to make loan payments. The death of his father in 1999 gave Trump a nice financial boost thanks to the division of the estate among Trump and his 3 siblings. As of July 2015, Trump’s income is said to be $362 million. He refuses to release his federal tax returns publicly because of “ongoing audits.”


Trump owns multiple properties, one of which is Trump Tower in Manhattan. This location houses his primary residence and the headquarters of the Trump Organization. The tower occupies the former site of the Bonwit Teller flagship store. During demolition, valuable sculptures slated to be sent to the Metropolitan Museum of Art were destroyed. Trump also employed illegal Polish immigrant workers for the demolition process, paying them $4-$5 per hour for 12 hour shifts for the rushed demo.


Donald Trump has never personally filed for bankruptcy, but his businesses have certainly gone under. Trump himself has said that he plays with the bankruptcy laws and they are “very good” for him as a tool for eliminating debt. According to him, this is something that other “great entrepreneurs” often do.  In 1991, Trump Taj Mahal filed, and in 1992, the Trump Plaza Hotel filed. In 2004, Trump Hotel & Casino Resorts filed, and Trump commented that he “figured it was the bank’s problem, not mine. What the hell did I care?” I actually told one bank, you shouldn’t have loaned me that money.” In 2009 and again in 2014, Trump Entertainment Resorts filed, and Trump actually ended up suing the company to get his name removed.


The Apprentice, Donald Trump’s reality show premiered in 2003 on NBC where people competed for a management position in one of Trump’s enterprises. Trump earned $50,000 per episode for the first season, but that was bumped to a million per episode after the show took off. He received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in 2007 for his work on the reality series. When Trump announced his Presidental plans, NBC decided to continue the show without him. In June 2015, NBC released a statement saying “due to the recent derogatory statements by Donald Trump regarding immigrants, NBC is ending its business relationship with Mr. Trump,” thus severing his ties with the show.


In 2011, Trump decided to question President Obama’s citizenship. He stated that his grandmother in Kenya said that Obama was born in Kenya and that she was there to witness it. Trump also questioned whether or not President Obama had good enough grades to get into Harvard Law School. He sent a team of private investigators to Hawaii, where Obama was born, and began releasing statements that suggested he had found out that Obama was not in fact a US citizen. His tactics resulted in the President releasing his birth certificate, which still wasn’t enough to shut the man up.


Trump has been married three times and divorced twice.  His first wife was a Czech model, Ivana, who became a US citizen in 1988. He had an affair with actress Marla Maples which led to the divorce. After the couple split, Trump sued Ivana for not honoring a gag order in their divorce agreement, but claims that now the two are the best of friends. Trump married Maples, formally separated from her after 4 years and finalized the divorce two years later. He then moves on to another model, Melania. In 2006, Melania became a US citizen.



Did you get all of that? Does any of that sound like the person best suited to run our country? Because in my opinion, it sounds like I just summarized the life of a spoiled rich kid with mental issues who hates immigrants, but is one, and thinks they’re okay as long as they look good in a bikini. The horrors that escape this man’s mouth and the way he has treated his own companies are so embarrassingly awful that I’m tempted to feel sorry for him. He is a sexist, racist pig of a person and has no idea what to do with himself, nevermind an entire country filled with real live people. He shouldn’t be trusted to play a game of Sims, as he would likely forget to put doors on the house and watch him Sims slowly starve to death while being distracted by the sound of his own voice. He has no experience that lends itself to the job of POTUS; his resume actually works to prove that he is unqualified for the role due to his irresponsible choices and love of blaming everyone else for his own faults. If you described Trump to someone who was blissfully ignorant of his existence, they would accuse you of lying or commend you on your vivid imagination. If a YouTube comments section came to life, it would be Donald Trump. Trying to reason with Trump is like playing chess with a pigeon; regardless of what you bring to the table, the pigeon will strut around like it has won while shitting all over everything. We have allowed this living meme to gain too much traction and are now faced with the unbelievable reality that he has knocked out almost everyone and can nearly touch the Presidency with his stubby greasy fingers. For the love of all that is holy and good in this world, I beg of all of you to snap out of it and do every single thing in your power to ensure that this pile of horse shit with lips and a toupee is never allowed to set foot in the White House. It’s not too late. Dear god… I hope it’s not too late.



Make Donald Drumpf Again

“If you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them, would you? Seriously. OK, just knock the hell … I promise you, I will pay for the legal fees.  I’d like to punch him in the face, I tell ya. I love the old days. You know what they used to do to guys like that when they were in a place like this? They’d be carried out on a stretcher, folks.” Donald Trump


When I first heard that Donald Trump was planning to run for President of the United States, I had a good laugh about it.  The thought of that floppy-haired old man running the country instead of telling people they’re fired in between bankruptcies was seriously comical.  I was looking forward to seeing how he was going to campaign because it would be entertaining for us all.  But then, something unexpected began to happen.  People started to take Trump seriously.  Supporters started to emerge from the woodwork and proclaim that Trump was the hero America needed.  That he would indeed make America great again.

John Oliver delivered a masterful piece on Trump, AKA Donald Drumpf. The custom hats are sold out, and the video of Last Week Tonight received over 20 million YouTube views in about 10 days.  Oliver discussed the power of Trump’s name, how it is the cornerstone of his brand, but countered with how his “real” name, Drumpf, is much less magical.  He drove a lot of points home, the key one being that we’re getting far too caught up in the name and the myth of instant success that is associated with Trump.  We’re overlooking the fact that the man is, for lack of a better term, full of shit.


Trump’s run for President isn’t funny anymore.  Our modern version of Hitler seems to have successfully brainwashed thousands upon thousands of people, enough to win state after state as he plows his way through the country.  Weak-minded people, mostly white folks in their 40s and higher, are promising to vote for Trump during rallies as their hold their hands high in the air.  His support system grows stronger every time he appears on TV to yell about immigrants or his “meager” beginnings with a million dollars in his pocket.


This isn’t a matter of not liking a candidate because I disagree with their views, it’s a matter of not liking a candidate because he’s a colossal dipshit who shouldn’t be allowed to manage a game of Sims, nevermind an entire country.  Donald Trump is a confused little boy whose parents told him he could do anything he wanted when he grew up, not knowing that their little boy would take that to the letter as an adult and try to buy a country.  He enjoyed fear mongering.  He’s a racist, and a sexist.  He doesn’t know dick about what it takes to run a country.  Hey, neither do I, which is why I’ll never try to get that particular job.  It isn’t for everyone.

We are a country obsessed with celebrities.  We make nobodies famous through reality television and YouTube.  We created President Trump because we have a fascination with idiots and memes and GIFs, and Trump makes for good entertainment.  We care more about upcoming SNL skits about Trump than we do about the fact that he will likely burn down America within his first week.  We created the Jersey Shore, we are responsible for the dozens upon dozens of Kardashian shows, we ruined MTV, and we continue to obsess over the frivolous while ignoring reality.

Our current reality is that Donald Trump has a damn good chance of becoming President of the United States.  Luckily for us, a good chance is very different than a secured victory.  We still have time to make this right.  We can put a stop to this cartoon world and right the ship before this vulgar human gets anywhere close to swearing in.  We need to save this country from becoming little more than a running joke.  We need to give a damn about more than cat videos and face swapping and actually see how harmful Trump truly is.  Time is running out; this train needs to be derailed immediately.  We need to decide whether we want to live somewhere that we can be proud of or live somewhere resembling a preschool playground.


  • “You know it really doesn’t matter what they write, as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.” 
  • “There was blood coming out of her eyes… blood coming out of her… wherever.” 
  • “Women; You have to treat them like shit.”

TRUMP ON THE MILITARY:  “26,000 unreported sexual assults [sic] in the military — only 238 convictions. What did these geniuses expect when they put men & women together?”

TRUMP ON FORMER PRESIDENTAL CANDIDATE CARLY FIORINA:  “Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next president?!”

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